Grief is what we describe as our reaction to loss, particularly when we lose someone we are attached to or love. We talk about the reaction to loss in a general and almost stereotypical way, however, in reality it is a very personal and individual experience. Everyone reacts and expresses their loss differently. Sometimes, understanding how other people grieve can offer some ideas about how to process your own grief.

Firstly, and possibly most importantly, there is no timetable for the grieving process, you will take the time you need to. The Grief Centre, speak about how you may never get over your grief, but that in time, even though at the beginning it feels impossible, you will learn to grow around it.

When someone you love dies, it can feel like part of you is missing, that things can never be the same again. Many people describe feeling scared, abandoned, lonely, vulnerable, guilty, hurt, tearful, devastated, angry, numb and much more, when they are experiencing loss. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for these feelings to be overwhelming and create a sense of isolation. Often people feel as though no one understands how painful their feelings are, and in a way this may be true. No one has the unique love and connection that you experienced with that person, but we all have to experience loss in our lives, and we all need support during this time.

For some, expressing their grief in an emotional way is too difficult, and often, it comes out in a physical way. Your body may begin to show signs of stress such as, insomnia, headaches, weight loss/gain, loss/increase of appetite, lowered immunity, exhaustion, nausea and more. Though they are not pleasant these are all normal experiences when we lose someone we love.

It is also common for your thoughts and behaviours to feel out of control. Thoughts can be dark, angry and hopeless, and often feel chaotic, while behaviours can be unrecognisable. For many people, grief can be so overwhelming that all we can manage is pain, numbness, indifference or angry. These overwhelming emotions often encourage us to behaviour in unusual ways such as, crying, sobbing, feeling out of control of your feelings, isolating yourself, avoiding others, silence, inability to concentrate, feeling confused, panic attacks, increased sleeping, difficulty getting up in the morning, losing your temper easily, lashing out at those around you, denying the death of your loved one and many more.

Dark thoughts, often of wanting ‘to be with’ the person who has passed, or thoughts or ‘wanting to end the pain’ are very common when living with grief.

If you or a person close to you is expressing thoughts of self-harm, harming others or suicide please contact a professional immediately or dial 111.

Phases of Grief:

There are five phases of grief, which we flip-flop between depending on the day, time or situation. The final phase is where we hope to end up if we process our grief in a healthy way.

Denial:

Often the pain or shock of the loss of a loved one is so extreme that we struggle to accept the reality of their death. We find it difficult to accept that our loved one is no longer with us, and won’t again walk through the front door. It is not uncommon to refuse to hear facts, and hide away from their meaning. This is a natural defence mechanism that helps us cope with the initial pain of grief.

Anger:

At times during our grief, we will allow the reality to resurface and along with it all the pain. The pain is too extreme for us to hold, so we morph it into something easier to express and cope with, anger. The anger can be expressed toward, themselves, family, friends, objects and even strangers. It is also not uncommon for our anger to be expressed towards the person we lost. On one level we understand how irrational those feelings are, but on the other, we may resent the person for leaving us and causing us pain.

Guilt:

Frequently after we express or notice our anger, we are left with feelings of guilt. Sometimes guilt regarding our anger towards them, guilt about not seeing them enough, guilt that ‘wrong choices where made’ etc. It is not uncommon during this time that those experiencing grief, to make statements such as “if only we had notice his illness earlier” or “if only I had spent more time with them” or even bargain with a ‘higher power’ or God. We may swear to donate to charity, or stop smoking or be a better person if God would bring our loved one back. These are very normal feelings and thoughts to have when living with grief.

Sorrow:

Sorrow is the phase we are probably most familiar with during our grief. The feeling of emptiness, intense, crushing sadness and even thoughts of ‘why bother to continue with life without my loved one’ are all typical of this phase. The sorrow feels as though it will last forever, and you will never, ever, get over your loss. But it is important to understand that this sorrow is not always a sign of mental illness, or depression. It is a terribly sad situation, and you are allowed to feel uncontrollably sad. Even though this phase is painful, it is an essential part of healing.

Acceptance:

This is the final phase of grief and where we all hope to reach. This is not the point where we feel ‘OK’ about the death of our loved one, but more the acceptance that they have gone, and aren’t coming back. We will never be ‘OK’ with the loss, but we can learn to grow and continue without them.  Accepting the reality of this, can be a long and painful experience.

What May be Helpful:

Although living with grief is excruciating, and the urge to withdraw and disappear is overwhelming, the following ideas may help you to cope through this painful time.

• Seek support from your family and friends.
• Take time away from your regular routine, such as work, university, study, or other responsibilities.
• Cry when you need to. Crying and expressing your emotions is a way to heal. You can either do this alone, or with those you love around you.
• Remain aware of your breathing. Breathing deeply when you feel overwhelmed or emotional may be helpful to regain control of your thoughts, feelings or behaviour.
• Try to eat, drink and sleep regularly.
• Avoid alcohol as much as possible.
• Try going for a walk each day, perhaps with a family member or friend to keep you company.
• Even though you don’t feel like it, finding someone to talk to about your grief whether a family member, friend or a professional, is always a great way to process your feelings and thoughts.

Experiencing grief is a natural, but painful part of life. Take the time you need to work through how you feel.