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Social Drinking and how to opt out

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With Dry July just around the corner, it is a perfect opportunity to have a look at our social habits associated with drinking. With many of us choosing to partake in a dry month, it becomes more apparent of our ‘social dependency’ on alcohol.

Have you ever been at a bar/pub/backyard BBQ and felt awkward and uncomfortable because you are the only one not drinking? In New Zealand we have a large binge drinking culture which has been well publicized. However, we also have a tendency to link alcohol with most of our positive, social experiences. Weddings, Birthdays, after work drinks at an Auckland bar, a casual weekend at your Northland Bach – can you remember a time alcohol wasn’t a part of this? This can make it seem like alcohol is required for us to have a good time,  but can also make it difficult to opt out.

Firstly, we should understand what drives our desire to drink while in these situations. Is it to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or to “bring you out of your shell”? Is it to numb any thoughts or feelings, or simply because its what everyone else is doing? Understanding the motivation, is the first step of learning how to be comfortable in social situations without the use of alcohol. This can sometimes require a more in-depth approach which can be explored under appropriate guidance from a mental health professional. However here are a few pointers and strategies that can be used to ease that transition into sobriety, even if it is just for one month.

  • Know what you would like to drink. Have a favourite drink that you order from a bar (Mocktail, soda etc.). If the event is BYO – take your favourite drink with you, just like you would take your box of beer or bottle of wine. Be confident in what you are ordering or asking for, the language that we use when ordering is important for our perceptions e.g. “I’ll have a sparkling mineral water in a wine glass please” vs “I’m not drinking alcohol anymore…” the negative connotations in our language can transfer to our mood.
  • Hold your drink in your hand. When you’re holding your drink, you’re less likely to be offered another, and therefore you can field less of those “why aren’t you drinking?” questions.
  • Have an answer ready for those that ask why you aren’t drinking – give as little or as much detail as you are comfortable with but something like “I’m giving it a miss tonight” or “I’m not drinking anymore” is often sufficient.
  • Tell your friends and family – they can support you with your decision to not drink and can help keep you on track.
  • Understanding yourself and others can be helpful. Watch others and their behavior change with alcohol, consider what influences it has on you and how your behavior and experience of social situations is different. It’s important to remember that alcohol isn’t needed to meet and communicate with people. The more that you do this without the influence of alcohol the easier it can become.
  • Enjoy the morning after – notice how great it feels to wake up without a hangover! Use that morning to do something you love rather than nursing a sore head. This is great motivation for the next social gathering that you’d like to skip the alcohol for.
  • It gets easier! Know that in time, it will become your new normal. You will get used to communicating and having a great time without the need for alcohol. You’ll find that those that care about you will accept and embrace your choice of sobriety, even if it is temporary.

“Dry July” is just one step in the right direction for a social dependency on alcohol. As a society we’re beginning to recognize that this is an issue and more open and honest conversations are beginning to be had. However, sometimes a more individualized approach is required. If you are concerned about your drinking, or that of someone you care about please seek professional help. If you need to talk about your drinking with a therapist in Auckland, reach out to the team at Shore Therapy. For some alternative resources on managing drinking see https://www.alcohol.org.nz/

 

Social Media and Mental Health

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We are all guilty of posing, filtering and posting on social media. But what are the true effects of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other social media sites on our mental health?

How many of us check out social media apps on a daily basis and leave feeling worse about ourselves and our lives? How many times do we look at old school friends or ex-partners and think how much more wonderful their lives are? The reality is, we all post our most rose-tinted view of ourselves and we constantly compare and compete with those around us. This surely has an effect on how we feel about ourselves and those around us.

According to a recent UK study, 62% of people surveyed reported feeling inadequate and jealous after visiting social media sites and many even reported symptoms associated with anxiety and depression. This has been linked to the idea that when we look on Facebook etc, we innately compare our life to these photos, and of course our regular day to day life will never compete to the fantasy world displayed on social media. How can a terrible day at work and a bad hair day, compare to a friend’s perfectly filtered photo in front of Central Park? The truth is it can’t compare. But it doesn’t mean that our life is terrible or that we aren’t successful.

Since the dawn of social media, our self esteem seems to be intrinsically linked to how many friends or followers we have, or how many ‘likes’ we get for our latest post. ‘Likes’ seem to have become a way for us to quantify how loveable, likeable or meaningful we are to other people, and if we don’t receive enough of these, then it therefore means we are un-loveable or invisible.

For many people who use Facebook or Instagram regularly, their self-worth is so reliant on their followers that face to face social interactions become less meaningful. It becomes more important to post about our lives than actually live it and spend the time talking to those around us. A study from the Harvard Business Review (2017) mentioned that the use of social media has produced a number of negative impacts, all of which have caused severe issues in our self-confidence and has dramatically reduced social interactions. The research stated that regular use of social media reduces pleasure in meaningful activities, self-esteem and face to face interactions with our loved ones and actually increases internet addiction, and sedentary behaviour. All of which have been linked to mental ill health.

So what to do about it?

    1. Sign out of Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites on all devices.
    2. This adds a barrier to you being able to access these sites instantaneously, and many people find the annoyance of having to sign in each time, outweighs the ‘pleasure’ we get from social media. We then naturally become less reliant on social media to meet our needs.
  • Put your focus into face to face social interactions, or other activities that give back to you emotionally.
  • This may give you a more meaningful pleasure and more often than not, give you deeper connections with those around you. You may even find that begin to notice more and enjoy the experiences fully.
  • It is also important to remember that what is posted on social media isn’t real, it is all just fantasy. Don’t get sucked in!
  • Stop torturing yourself by comparing your life with everyone else’s fantasy photos. Seek to improve your own life in a realistic manner. Choose to look at the positives and to celebrate your wins.
  • Don’t use social media when you are feeling low, down or anxious.
  • This encourages the feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and low mood. Instead put your focus into physical or social activities that give back to you.

 

Note: If you feel your use of the internet or social media is impacting your quality of life, or you experience low mood the majority of every day, please seek professional help.

Working through divorce and seperation

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Family problemIn our society we seem to have predetermined ideas about marriage and divorce, many of which are unconscious and are based around the ‘happily ever after’ principle. Movies, books and fairy tales talk to us of finding our ‘one true love’ that will last a life time, but unfortunately for some of us, this isn’t the case. Due to so much pressure to find and hold on to ‘the one’ there can be a lot of shame associated with separation or divorce, many people speak of feeling like ‘damaged’ or ‘used’ goods, and often hide their divorce from future partners or simply don’t continue to date again.
When we journey through separation or divorce, the feelings of shame, anger and resentment can often accompany the process. Many couples struggle to remain amicable with each other and it can often become an emotional war. Things get more complicated when children are involved, and often, kids can be put in the middle of parents fighting and separation negotiations. This can cause parental alienation where a child is used as a weapon, usually fed negative information about their other parent which can then influence their feelings towards that parent. If one parent tells the children that their father is a liar and should never be trusted, it can be difficult for the child involved to remain impartial to that parent. Often this creates mistrust and guilt for the child and can influence their own ability as an adult to trust and connect within relationships. Parents may do this unconsciously, as a way to get back at their partner for the hurt, betrayal and shame that can be associated with divorce and separation.
There is a way however, to divorce or separate in a healthy and amicable way, if both parties are willing to work together.

 

Parenting Through Divorce

When parent’s divorce or separate, children tend to feel the pressure to choose a parent or take sides. This can be distressing and traumatic for the child as for them, it can feel like their world has just turned upside down.
It is important for parents to realised that while they are no longer a romantic couple, they still need to work as a parental couple. This is essential for the child/children

Understanding Suicide

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SuicideSuicide is often thought of as a taboo topic, we seem to shy away from talking about it as though it is a shameful act. Suicide is not shameful, or selfish, or irresponsible. For many it is the only way they see that will end the pain, suffering or loneliness that they experience.

There is a wide spectrum of what can be defined as suicidal behaviour, ranging from ‘low-level suicidal ideation’ (occasionally thinking about ending your life) through to deliberate, harmful action towards oneself that results in death. Self-harm can also be described as suicidal behaviour. Self-harm is a form of mutilation that has the intention of hurting oneself, most commonly seen through, cutting, burning, hitting, picking at skin, pulling hair, biting and carving. If you witness any signs of the above self-harm please reach out and tell someone.

Understanding suicide is hugely important as intentional self-harm in New Zealand is on the rise. Last year alone, 579 people committed suicide, this is the worst it has been since records began in 2008. This 2016 statistic is only based on those who have committed suicide, there are many, many more who have attempted or experience suicidal ideation.

Suicide is not something that only occurs in the mental health demographic, anyone can experience suicidal behaviour. Whether you are from a low-socioeconomic status, suffering with illness, a celebrity, successful business man, a stay at home parent, etc, we all can experience suicidal behaviour. Suicide also does not discriminate between gender, race or age. It occurs in all age groups, all cultures and all genders.

However, there are statistics that suggest certain genders, age groups and ethnicities are more susceptible than others. Historically in New Zealand, men are more likely to commit suicide than women. Though recently, the gap between them is getting smaller- from 3 men to 1 women, to now 1 women to 2.5 men. In other words, out of the 579 people who last year committed suicide, 170 are women and 409 are men. It was also identified that men between the ages of 25-29 years and women aged 40-45 year old may be more prone to committing suicide. When it comes to cultures and suicide, the statistics showed that Maori have higher rates than other ethnicities, with men and women equally susceptible.

For many people, suicide feels like the only option to end the constant agony that they experience every day. Some have described their experience as ‘an overwhelming sense of sadness that cannot be shaken. They feel drained of peace, hope and happiness, where every happy memory is absent and all that is left is the worst experiences of your life’. To feel like this, is not merely feeling down, it is the inability to imagine ever being happy again. Therefore, any suicidal behaviour should be taken seriously.

While there is no definite way to identify if someone is about to harm themselves or commit suicide, there are some warning signs that may help to save someone’s life.

  • Increasing their alcohol and/or other drug use
  • Taking unnecessary risks and impulsivity
  • Threatening suicide and/or expressing a strong wish to die
  • Exhibiting rage and/or anger
  • Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself
  • Fascinating over or preoccupying oneself with death
  • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
  • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
  • Isolating or withdrawing oneself
  • Displaying mood swings
  • Telling loved ones goodbye
  • Setting one’s affairs in order
  • Giving things away, such as prized possessions
  • Referring to death via poetry, writings and drawings
  • Exhibiting dramatic changes in personality or appearance
  • Changing eating or sleeping patterns
  • Declining in performance
  • Spending excessive time in bedroom or bathroom

If someone has thoughts or feelings about suicide it is important to take them seriously, support from people who care about them can be really helpful and encourage them through dark times. However, if someone has attempted suicide or you are worried about their immediate safety, you can contact the following places for support and advice.

  •  Call your local mental health Crisis Assessment Team or go with them to the emergency department (ED) at your nearest hospital. (See below for your local Crisis Team.)
  • If they are an immediate physical danger to themselves or others, call 111.
  • Stay with them until support arrives.
  • Remove any obvious means of suicide they might use, eg, guns, medication, car keys, knives, rope.
  • Try to stay calm and let them know you care.
  • Keep them talking: listen and ask questions without judging.
  • Make sure you are safe.

There are also helplines which are accessible 24/7 and can offer support via the phone. Below are the New Zealand suicide helplines:

 

(Information sourced from Ministry of Health and Psychology Today).

Controlling or Manipulative Behaviour in Your Relationship

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Treading CarefullyControlling or manipulative behaviour in relationships isn’t there from the beginning, or we wouldn’t stay. It can slowly and subtly develop over time, so much so that you barely notice at first, but soon you begin to notice how isolated and manipulated your life has become. Controlling behaviour is not specific to a particular socioeconomic status, gender, age, sexual orientation etc. It happens in all walks of life around New Zealand.

When we picture a controlling partner we usually think of an overly aggressive person who shouts and yells, makes demands, ultimatums and threats, who bullies, manipulates and commands another person. While this is often the case, it doesn’t have to be so overt.

Controlling behaviour in your relationships can also be quite subtle, partners who feel the need to dominate their significant other often have a number of different tools to create fear, intimidation and control. It is not uncommon for controlling partners to use emotional coercion as a way to influence your thoughts/feelings/behaviour. This may leave the controlled partner feeling like the ‘bad guy’ or the one at fault, or even, lucky to have such an understanding partner that they ‘put up’ with your behaviour/feelings.

Controlling behaviour does not have to end in Domestic Violence, where physical, emotional and sexual abuse are other tools used to coerce their partner. It does however, need to be taken seriously, toxic relationships are not healthy ones, and there are some signs to be aware of. If you notice more than a couple of the below signs within your relationship, please seek help and support. If at any point in your relationship you feel concerned for your safety, reach out immediately. You can contact the local Woman’s Refuge on 0800 REFUGE or DIAL 111.

Controlling Behaviour Checklist:

  • Social Isolation: if you notice you are no longer able to hang out with friends or family for fear of what your partner with think/feel/say/do.
  • Chronic Criticism: when you feel everything you do, even when done well is attacked or criticised. Even the small insignificant things are berated.
  • Love and Affection is Conditional: an example of this would be “I love you so much more when you are thinner” or “If you can’t even make dinner right, I don’t know what the point of this relationship is”.
  • Threatening Behaviour Against You or Your Behaviour: this can be both overt and veiled. It doesn’t have to be physical in nature either, comments about cutting you off from their love, sex or finances can also be threatening behaviour.
  • Spying/Snooping: when you partner constantly needs to check your phone, emails and internet history, or constant calls to find out where you are or who you are with. These behaviours are often followed with justification statements like “If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn’t mind me looking”.
  • Overly Jealous/Paranoid or Accusatory: when your partner becomes possessive and deems every interaction with another as flirtatious or teasing, even when completely innocent.
  • Lack of Alone Time: any attempts at alone time are combatted against with guilt ridden remarks or denied completely.
  • Guilt as a Manipulation Tool: even everyday things are laden with guilt. You find you are doing absolutely anything to not feel guilty, even relenting and giving up your power, opinions and behaviours.
  • Creating an Unpayable Debt: If you feel beholden to your partner for the extravagant gifts, outings, holidays, or even emotional support – particularly if they have created a sense of expectation that this needs repaying in some way.
  • Guilty until Proven Innocent: if you feel like you have done something wrong without knowing what it is you did, evidence is provided for the ‘wrong doing’ you committed and is used as a justification for punishment.

(Psychology Today)

There are many more signs for a toxic and controlling relationship. If you feel that you need someone to talk to or more information regarding controlling behaviour please reach out to a professional.